New Trojan Catdoms!

"Hello, Are you a cat owner terrified of the idea of neutering or spaying your cat? Is cutting off your fur child's libido too much to bear? We understand that your feline friend is your family and the idea of cutting off a family member's genitalia is too much to bear for some folks, even though you sometimes wish you could have cut off your cheating dad's pecker before he cheated on your moms.  We also know, however, that you want the best for your cat child and good decisions don't come easy to a teenage kitty filled with angst and hormones.

That's why we made NEW Trojan Catdoms TM. Trojan Catdoms TM, are there to make sure your kitty never gets the Catpes, Catmydia, Caterrhea or even CAIDS! Trojan Catdoms TM are there to ensure that one day, your little fur baby might grow up to become a respected member of society even if he did make the mistake of sleeping with that slut Persian from down the block. Even if your cat got really drunk at the party and slept with those immoral, fugly, naked Egyptian cats, there's no reason they shouldn't grow up to be a successful Catographer or even the Catident of the United States. As long as he used Trojan Catdoms, there's no proof that your Cat who became the Caterback of the Baltimore Ravens ever raped that underage kitty. 

So next time you're thinking of having, "the talk" with your cat, bring Trojan Catdoms TM along. Nobody wants a kitty with a dirty, nasty tabby but a good time is OK with Trojan Catdoms TM."

The top 10 Cartoons that my childhood would not be the same without:

          Cartoons are the building blocks of our adult lives because they are the first things we will watch on that glowing Skinner Box that illuminates a family den so well.  Growing up, my mom didn't have a great TV so if we wanted to watch live TV, we had to watch it on a tiny black and white screen with rabbit ears.  However, if we were so inclined, we did have VHS tapes with cartoons on them.  In my recent cartoon watching with my two year old, I've began to remember those cartoons and I've even tried sharing them with him.  Here, in this article, I've compiled a list of my top ten most memorable, if not my top ten favorites (since they're the only ones I can seem to remember) that my childhood would not have been the same without.  Enjoy!




10.  Donald Duck and Chip and Dale - Toy Tinkers

Chip and Dale were always a blast and this was their Christmas special.  I particularly enjoyed the war motif from this one because, well, come on! They're shooting gum balls and walnuts.

View Donald and Chip and Dale - Toy Tinkers here

9. Donald Duck and Chip and Dale - Breakfast for three

As I said, the torture of Donald never gets old when it's our little ADHD bandits.  Who doesn't love pancakes?  There was enough for all three but Donald got greedy and we get to watch the beautiful Pathos Donald must endure.  Is it still pathos if the hero with the tragic flaw learns nothing though?

Breakfast for three

8. Felix the Cat - Neptune Nonsense

He's a cat.  Why wouldn't he want to eat a fish?  But all he wants is a friend for his pet Annabelle.  What would you do for your Annabelle lee by the sea, Felix?

Neptune Nonsense

7. Mighty Mouse - Wolf! Wolf!

He doesn't say much but the music is great and in this cartoon, "Mighty Mouse proves again, that he's the hero of sheep and men."

Wolf! Wolf!

6. Sinbad the sailor

Speaking of cartoons with great music, Sinbad the sailor was one of my favorites as a kid, not only because I owned it on VHS but also because everything in this cartoon was timed out like an opera.  I love the music, I love the anthropomorphic characters and even the least expected turning my head.  It's a cool little cartoon.

Sinbad the Sailor

5.  Little Audry - Goofy Goofy Gander

Speaking of music that runs together like an opera, how about adding classic fairy tales to the mix.  In this cartoon, the magic of Mother Goose comes alive, with Little Audry's twist, of course. Oh Little Audry, only you could bring villains into the world of Mother Goose.  One of my favorite lines comes after Humpty Dumpty gets knocked off the wall and doesn't break because, according to him, he's "hard broiled..."

Goofy Goofy Gander

4. Little Audry - Butterscotch and soda

Little Audry was so well loved by the people who compiled the VHS taped cartoons of my youth, they included her twice.  The Tummy Ache blues, from this little gem is such a catchy tune, don't be surprised if you end up even singing it in the shower...

Butterscotch and Soda

3. Popeye the Sailor - Meets Ali Baba's Fourty Thieves

Speaking of songs that get stuck in your head, the song at the beginning of this toon will get stuck in your head.  The song, the things that Popeye mumbles under his breath, not to mention the things the thieves say when they ride past and steal things makes this cartoon exceedingly fun to watch and I have not watched it once without a laugh.  Although I put this at number 3 for it's value as a classic, I put it at number 1 for enjoyability. It is definitely my favorite.  I guarantee you'll enjoy it too.

Popeye the Sailor Meets Ali Baba's Fourty Thieves

2.  Mickey Mouse - Mickey's Parrot

So a deranged killer is on the loose and Mickey thinks he's in his house but a parrot may just be the cause of all the hullabaloo.  The action and the music, as well as the sound effects are perfectly timed with each other making for another cartoon masterpiece.  This cartoon may not be the original, it may not even be the best but it was memorable to my childhood and my son enjoys it as well.  It's been around since the time of my parents and Mickey has been around before even that.  So without further ado, I bring you one of the first toons to ever walk his animated tail into the world: Mickey Mouse.

Mickey's Parrot

1.  Betty Boop - Swat the Fly

In her original format.  Betty Boop gets the number one spot for this cartoon being in the vintage format in black and white.  She was one of the only toons I watched as a kid that was in black and white and even without color, she still represented the sex appeal of the era.  In the words of Eddie Valiant from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit,"  "Yeah, you still got it, kid."

Betty Boop - Swat the Fly




          I hope that you've enjoyed these cartoons and if you have kids, I hope that maybe, they were with you when you watched these and got to see a piece of my childhood passed down to you and yours.  After all, aren't we simply here on earth to enjoy being alive and to pass on some of that joy if we can.  I only hope that these cartoons have given you as much joy as they gave me and if not, well, I've done my duty and it's been passed on the best way I know how.

Marketing and Capitalism in America

The american interpretation of marketing and capitalism, the way I've observed it dictated to me:

Marketing is about a lot more than just being able to sell dog shit to damn near anybody; it's about more than making that dog shit seem like the crown jewels. Marketing is about having a consumer thank you for even having the opportunity to purchase your regal brand of dog shit. It's about that craze in the mind that makes decent, sane folks trample a mother and her two kids on black Friday for a toaster; but hey, that's just the nature of the beast because marketing is capitalisms fiber and if you have a better idea... Well fuck you... Communist...

The way I see commercials:

My get fit commercial:

"Do you want to lose that belly fat and look like a 21 year old again?  Well after millions of dollars worth of research and a few Swiss scientists walking away like bandits, we have discovered a miracle cure.  We call it: 'NBO' or 'Not being old'.  Research shows that if you're a 21 year old and still hideously ugly, unless you have a thyroid condition, the most minimal amount of exercise should be enough to get you into great shape but after a certain age, unless you're some body building machine of a human being or on a lot of drugs and/or surgery, we suggest you take care of yourself and accept what god gave you with some dignity.  We're sorry you're getting older but stuff happens as a result of that.  So if you want to look like a 21 year old at 60, stop, consider the beauty that you're still living when people just 100 years ago would already be dead and accept what great gifts you're giving.  For everyone else who can't accept that though, there's NBO.  Not Being Old is a product of the Johnson and Johnson family, all rights reserved."

The truth:

You tell me. I just hoped I made you laugh a little...

The birth of DOUCHE

When it comes to the ISIS terrorists, I would say anyone who wears an ISIS uniform needs a bullet to the head. That includes those little white girls from Denmark and the white, ex rock star hooker who left her two 14 year old sons. I would have no problem if everyone in the ISIS network were systematically exterminated like vermin.
Maybe that's their plan though: ISIS seems to be becoming the next level of hipster: "Hand in your fedora, fake glasses and ridiculous beard that makes you look like the Unabomber and we'll give you a flak jacket, a Kalashnikov and real bombs to play with. Hey! If you're careless and accidentally blow yourself up, great! That's actually the point."
It's like putting hand grenades in teddy bears and handing them out at Christmas. Everyone wants to be on board with defending the Muslim trend but when it comes down to it, they began as a bunch of insignificant Bedouin/Gypsies and sooner hopefully than later, people will see this desperate, 16 year old mindset, call for attention called ISIS and send them to their room where they can kill/ rape and demean each other's humanity in peace. Yes: there is a bomb in this great new trendy ISIS toy.
I'll just be happy when the Muslim faith goes back to being like Brooklyn Jews: the only thing that's loud about them is their outfits but hey, I'll be glad when the Christians do the same. The point is to believe in something higher than one's self and to deny the urge to indulge in hedonistic practices that lead to nowhere and help no one.

It's like: congratulations, Jesus saved you but that doesn't mean that a girl's dream of owning a doughnut shop based on pinups means she screws the devil on weekends or that NPH getting married means that he is secretly in the Hitler fan club. His haircut is evil but his sexuality has nothing to do with his love of the world or his fellow man. He loved one of his fellow men so much he married him, so he can't be all bad.
He's not the problem though: hedonism and extremism are and until we begin to focus on love, acceptance, understanding and human potential, we can only fight these pointless, coming of age, pseudo revolutions that get more dangerous all the time.
I propose this: instead of being called ISIS or feminism or Conservatism or the tea party, I say they all go under one super PAC called DOUCHE:

Domesticated
Ornery people
Urinating on the
Constitution while celebrating
Hedonism and
Extremism.