The State V. Webster

In a stunning turn of events after a recent law suit against dictionary giant Marion-Webster, over terms in their dictionary not being "real-words", we at The Regular Review, have learned that a new hyphenated term will be added to the dictionary.  Spokesperson, Avharadg Jo announced at a press conference that in the 2015 edition of Marion-Webster's dictionary, the word, "Defense-Attorney" will hence forth be defined as, "A glorified and higher paid hooker."

This decision came after a settlement  between Webster's council, Berg, Stein and Mann and the prosecution for the state, of 8 million dollars to the plaintiff.  This just in, the word prosecutor will now be added as a synonym to the word "Ass-hat" which is defined as, "a person whose presence so offends that merely being around them gleans the experience of wearing one's anus atop their head."

All of this will no doubt breed new lawsuits but in this reporter's opinion, these turn of events are possibly the most hilarious moment in U.S. Legal history.

odd quote of the day

"pornography is kind of like Starbucks: They can add music, they can add cute girls making funny noises, but in the end, you're simply there to get a quick pick-me-up before you sojourn, as fast as you can, to any place in the world that's not there."

Today in Anatomy, I...

Professor:

Can anyone tell me what the heaviest part of the body is? 

Boy in the front row: 

My cock!

 

Professor: 

Haha, but no. Even fully engorged with blood, the penis is far from the heaviest part of the body.

 

Girl in the front row: 

Tell that to my innards that got scrambled the other night...

 

Professor: 

Contrary to all your humorous anecdotes, children, the heaviest part of the body is the human skull. Our entire bodies were built specifically to hold the skull up right. 

Boy in front row: 

Are you calling me a fat head? 

Professor: 

No son, I wouldn't give you that much credit. The skull being as heavy as it is, is the reason that it is so magnificent when babies are able to lift their heads up as new borns. 

Girl in the back row: 

Professor, you're wrong. This head... 

*points to her own head* 

...is not the heaviest part of my body. 

Professor: Oh no? Then you tell me the heaviest part of your body... 

Girl in the back row: 

*standing up and pointing to the boy in the front row* 

*girl is visibly pregnant* 

...along with his heavy cock... 

*pointing to her stomach* 

...this heavy body is...

News Flash!

After an incident at a local music festival in Colorado, where residents began a bible study in the middle of a pot circle, the people of Denver have begun what they're calling the great high-gration. As recently as today, the passport offices have been over run by bleary eyed individuals hoping to get a passport to immigrate to Iraq as quickly as possible.

One of those individuals agreed to talk to us, "you know... it's like amazing how those bible dudes see things exactly the way we do today. Grass has been around for a long time, dude and I reading the bible... when my friend told me they do the same thing today... well, they just get it ya know?" Overhearing this, another turned quickly in line and began to comment, "you heard it too, huh? Yeah man! It's true! Everybody over there gets stoned. I heard they were dragging men, women and even children out into the streets to get stoned. It's out in the open over there man... like fuck Colorado, man, that place must be beautiful with all the fumes!" Said the second person. "No doubt, brah," said the first.

There you have it, I'm Dylan Paul for The Regular Review, signing off.

Political Debate.

So, while scanning the novel of human tragedy we call Facebook tonight, I happened upon a buddy of mine from college who had posted an article about the latest poor sap our overzealous law men decided to shuffle from the moral coil. Of course, his conversation included the usual suspects: The political advocate, the woman, the privileged white guy who pulls the race card to overcompensate, the "normal" person, the black guy who knows he's black and is being judged unfairly and probably secretly wishes all these upper class white people who don't know what they hell they're talking about would just shut the hell up. the practical thinker and then me: The voice of Binky. Naturally, I had to interject. The following is my rant that was side-less because as is the law of comedy: all people must be equally hated for the world to go round...

This argument and the situation in America is why I am against the police state. England has bobbies. Freakin' Bobbies, people! Nobody is afraid of a guy named Bobby. Bobby comes up and you want to give him a big hug. "I'm sorry I sold those single cigarettes, Bobby. I won't worry anymore and just be happy. In fact, I think I'm going to go off and adopt three orphan children, while giving blankets to homeless people and get a small grill where I can teach them all to make chimichangas." The world is better with Bobby.

Now you get a Mike or a Steve in there. Well now here comes Big Mike to kick your ass and choke you till you die! That's his whole name too: Mike, mother effing Big. Big Mike is the type of person who should never be a police officer. Oh he can have a gun as long as he lives in the hills of some American forest so far away from civilization that he things 4Ging is what you do when you blacksmith.

The problem is that the police are an outdated idea and they're up for kicking butt to prove their relevance. I've heard people say, "well they're just angry that their job is a crap job with crap pay." That's crap. They're just policing in the wrong end of the world. If your a cop in NJ the average police salary for you is $80,100.00 / year. (http://policelink.monster.com/benefits/articles/147500-10-highest-paying-states-for-law-enforcement-2011-edition?page=2) With that kind of cash, you're making more than an EMT makes and those people literally save lives. Not only that but when that cop retires, he's got a pension bigger than Mike. If he wasn't spending all his time at the Casinos in PA, he'd have no money problems ever.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't advocate for any side. I think people are failures as a species and race doesn't even enter into that equation but since we were making loud noises and being serious, I had to interject a laugh for perspective. Our society is old and tired and I think we proved it with Obama. People were all so sure that radical change was just what this country needed! "We finally have a black president! Now things are going to turn around!" Well guess what? Just like I said, a moron is a moron no matter what color he or even she is.

In this rant where I am trying desperately to offend everyone because people these days have skin so thin that they might as well be the ghouls of horror stories/ Hollywood (the two are interchangeable) I have failed to mention women. Ladies, I'm sorry but you're not smarter or better than men. We're not smarter or better than you either. We all the universal opportunity to fuck up! It's great because voting is the biggest evidence for it.

At the end of the 90's we had a surplus and then we voted for two idiots (TWICE EACH! I might add) and now we're so far in debt even the Chinese are going, "Man, I'm glad I'm not on THAT sinking ship." You know my dad used to tell me that a rising tide raises all ships and let's hope that's true because it's going to take a tidal wave to float this boat we call Planet Earth!

Thank you all, you're amazing. I'm Dylan Paul and you all have a great night!

#firstworldproblems

So, my doctor told me to eat more fiber because she said that per my lifestyle choices, my cholesterol was a bit high. Personally, I'd rather she just have said, "Mr. Paul, because you chose to eat a bunch of tasty shit, you're now slowly but surely becoming a fat ass." So I thought "OK, I'll show her," and I began to gorge myself on these Fiber One granola bars that are like 9 grams of fiber per bar. 

Well, it turns out that's not good for you either because today, I became the London Philharmonic wind instruments section. 

It was bad. 

The Hindenburg in flames didn't have as much burning gas burgeoning out of it as I did today. These granola bars had me running to the bathroom clenching my cheeks and all the while, trying to pretend like everything's normal: 

"hello... Mr. president of our department. No I can't talk about that case right now but maybe in a minute. Why? Because I'm about to shit myself." 

It doesn't even get better when you finally get to the bathroom because by then you're ready to go all Meg Ryan from When Harry met Sally. Of course there are times, like today, when there are other people in the bathroom so you try to be quiet but then your ass does all the talking for you. It's so bad that you see feet from under the stall, and through the slight crack in the door that you anxiously try to stay away from, hurriedly walking out trying to look like their not rushing out, and you catch yourself looking down to see if you have on distinctive shoes or pants, just in case anyone in the office who happened to be in there with you caught a glimpse under the stall... 

you do, by the way, because it's at this moment you realize your wife was right and that you are the only person you can think of that wears loafers with black pants. 

So you are now the office natural gas emitter. "No need to buy an expensive propane tank for the company picnic, Bob, we can just shove a hose up Dylan's ass and that should get those steaks nice and browwwwwn... 

Of course all the while that I'm writing this, I can only think to myself: 

#firstworldproblems...

Starship growth

Why did Janeway act like a warrior? Why was Picard so diplomatic? Why were Archer and Kirk so vigilant when it came to shoot first ask questions later? I believe that some of it can be answered by the size of the ship and the size of the crew.

Archer cried over each man lost because his crew wasn't a large one, his ship was the first and it was small as well. Kirk had one of the smallest ships but for some reason had a gigantic crew compliment. My guess? He couldn't get rid of people quick enough. He was practically pushing people in front of lasers just to make some room on that tiny ship of his...
In the words of Jordi LaForge in his days with future reading rainbow, "but you don't have to take my word for it:

USS Enterprise E (Picard movies)
2,055 ft long

Crew Compliment: 500

USS Enterprise D (Picard TNG): 1926 ft. Long

Crew Compliment: 1,014

USS Voyager: 1002 ft long

Standard Compliment: 141
Actual compliment on mission: 146

USS Enterprise (Kirk): 867 ft long

Compliment: 430

NX-01 Enterprise (Archer): 675 ft. Long

Compliment: 83

http://www.st-minutiae.com/misc/comparison/comparison_medium.png

Good Advice

Today a friend of mine on Facebook was troubled with the state of the world due to a new article that portrayed a kindergarten teacher who quit her job to become an online twerker for 6 figures a year.  For those who don't know what twerking is, I would define it as the act of shaking one's behind to simulate the rhythmic bobbing up and down of a sexual act.  Some call this dancing but I think I agree on the fact that its lewdness outweighs its contribution to real dance.  Were it used in the context of an interpretive dance to describe the human condition, I might understand it but as it is, I  can not see its contribution to man kind.

That being said, my friend was troubled by this act and by the fact that a decent person was caught up in it because it payed better than the noble career of teaching our most primitive kinfolk the ways of the world.  My response to him invoked something that I realized was good advice for anybody so I decided to post it here.  I will close my introduction with this; the moral is: no matter how bad the world seems to you,  you have incredible power in the freedom of choice but the decision is always yours:

"Calling someone an imbecile or an idiot, whether to their face or behind their back achieves the opposite result. I'm sure Sun Tzu wrote something about this in The Art of War but it's been years since I read it. An enemy on the defensive will do the opposite of what you want them to do because they are backed into a corner and feel as though they must fight their way out. However, in the case of this teacher, what if someone had gone to her with pictures from the children she teaches saying how much she missed them? What if they had personally confronted her and said, "You are the most talented writer and school teacher I have ever known, you should write a book about your struggle to make money as a K teacher." Seeing support would make it her decision and give her power which would make her desire more.

As far as changing the American direction: Big Brother/Big sister and the Boys and Girls club are great places to volunteer and get first hand contact with kids who are at the epicenter of people telling them they'll never amount to anything and that their best bet is a gang. I've personally met these kids and it really does make a difference to them that you're there. Mentoring is another similar option that I've seen people do and it does have a high success rate as well. As far as beyond that?

Miracles come when good men decide to do something about it. You can pray to god for the strength and he will give it but the power to do something is always yours. Write a book about what you feel is wrong with America such as Nickle and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich, Travel's with Charley by Jon Stienbeck, On The Road by Jack Kerouac and many more but change starts with you. I manage three blogs and have traveled and constantly ask people about their thoughts and feelings at work.

I also read a plethora of different articles from multiple sources here on fb; as well as on Gizmodo and google news. I don't stop there, I read the comments as well, It is incredibly time consuming but I've learned that there are a lot of stupid people who don't do their research and follow only one source for their entire world view. I have also learned that sometimes I'm wrong and admit it proudly when I am because none of us is perfect and that's just good etiquette.

Whatever you do, don't settle. Constantly learn, get away from the computer and interact. Ask those stupid people to tell you every stupid idea they have and research it with them; not to prove them wrong but to maybe learn something as well as share your information and sources and help them learn something too. Don't spend too much time on an idiot though because if they are truly set in their evil ways the decision is always theirs to change. All you can do is pray for them and offer them your ears and heart should they need or want it and then allow time to teach them the way they choose to learn. Focus on you though and always do your best and then the world will look like a beautiful place to you. I guarantee it."

To all of you who read this blog,  I wish you the best and hope my words can lead you to good things.

New Trojan Catdoms!

"Hello, Are you a cat owner terrified of the idea of neutering or spaying your cat? Is cutting off your fur child's libido too much to bear? We understand that your feline friend is your family and the idea of cutting off a family member's genitalia is too much to bear for some folks, even though you sometimes wish you could have cut off your cheating dad's pecker before he cheated on your moms.  We also know, however, that you want the best for your cat child and good decisions don't come easy to a teenage kitty filled with angst and hormones.

That's why we made NEW Trojan Catdoms TM. Trojan Catdoms TM, are there to make sure your kitty never gets the Catpes, Catmydia, Caterrhea or even CAIDS! Trojan Catdoms TM are there to ensure that one day, your little fur baby might grow up to become a respected member of society even if he did make the mistake of sleeping with that slut Persian from down the block. Even if your cat got really drunk at the party and slept with those immoral, fugly, naked Egyptian cats, there's no reason they shouldn't grow up to be a successful Catographer or even the Catident of the United States. As long as he used Trojan Catdoms, there's no proof that your Cat who became the Caterback of the Baltimore Ravens ever raped that underage kitty. 

So next time you're thinking of having, "the talk" with your cat, bring Trojan Catdoms TM along. Nobody wants a kitty with a dirty, nasty tabby but a good time is OK with Trojan Catdoms TM."

The top 10 Cartoons that my childhood would not be the same without:

          Cartoons are the building blocks of our adult lives because they are the first things we will watch on that glowing Skinner Box that illuminates a family den so well.  Growing up, my mom didn't have a great TV so if we wanted to watch live TV, we had to watch it on a tiny black and white screen with rabbit ears.  However, if we were so inclined, we did have VHS tapes with cartoons on them.  In my recent cartoon watching with my two year old, I've began to remember those cartoons and I've even tried sharing them with him.  Here, in this article, I've compiled a list of my top ten most memorable, if not my top ten favorites (since they're the only ones I can seem to remember) that my childhood would not have been the same without.  Enjoy!




10.  Donald Duck and Chip and Dale - Toy Tinkers

Chip and Dale were always a blast and this was their Christmas special.  I particularly enjoyed the war motif from this one because, well, come on! They're shooting gum balls and walnuts.

View Donald and Chip and Dale - Toy Tinkers here

9. Donald Duck and Chip and Dale - Breakfast for three

As I said, the torture of Donald never gets old when it's our little ADHD bandits.  Who doesn't love pancakes?  There was enough for all three but Donald got greedy and we get to watch the beautiful Pathos Donald must endure.  Is it still pathos if the hero with the tragic flaw learns nothing though?

Breakfast for three

8. Felix the Cat - Neptune Nonsense

He's a cat.  Why wouldn't he want to eat a fish?  But all he wants is a friend for his pet Annabelle.  What would you do for your Annabelle lee by the sea, Felix?

Neptune Nonsense

7. Mighty Mouse - Wolf! Wolf!

He doesn't say much but the music is great and in this cartoon, "Mighty Mouse proves again, that he's the hero of sheep and men."

Wolf! Wolf!

6. Sinbad the sailor

Speaking of cartoons with great music, Sinbad the sailor was one of my favorites as a kid, not only because I owned it on VHS but also because everything in this cartoon was timed out like an opera.  I love the music, I love the anthropomorphic characters and even the least expected turning my head.  It's a cool little cartoon.

Sinbad the Sailor

5.  Little Audry - Goofy Goofy Gander

Speaking of music that runs together like an opera, how about adding classic fairy tales to the mix.  In this cartoon, the magic of Mother Goose comes alive, with Little Audry's twist, of course. Oh Little Audry, only you could bring villains into the world of Mother Goose.  One of my favorite lines comes after Humpty Dumpty gets knocked off the wall and doesn't break because, according to him, he's "hard broiled..."

Goofy Goofy Gander

4. Little Audry - Butterscotch and soda

Little Audry was so well loved by the people who compiled the VHS taped cartoons of my youth, they included her twice.  The Tummy Ache blues, from this little gem is such a catchy tune, don't be surprised if you end up even singing it in the shower...

Butterscotch and Soda

3. Popeye the Sailor - Meets Ali Baba's Fourty Thieves

Speaking of songs that get stuck in your head, the song at the beginning of this toon will get stuck in your head.  The song, the things that Popeye mumbles under his breath, not to mention the things the thieves say when they ride past and steal things makes this cartoon exceedingly fun to watch and I have not watched it once without a laugh.  Although I put this at number 3 for it's value as a classic, I put it at number 1 for enjoyability. It is definitely my favorite.  I guarantee you'll enjoy it too.

Popeye the Sailor Meets Ali Baba's Fourty Thieves

2.  Mickey Mouse - Mickey's Parrot

So a deranged killer is on the loose and Mickey thinks he's in his house but a parrot may just be the cause of all the hullabaloo.  The action and the music, as well as the sound effects are perfectly timed with each other making for another cartoon masterpiece.  This cartoon may not be the original, it may not even be the best but it was memorable to my childhood and my son enjoys it as well.  It's been around since the time of my parents and Mickey has been around before even that.  So without further ado, I bring you one of the first toons to ever walk his animated tail into the world: Mickey Mouse.

Mickey's Parrot

1.  Betty Boop - Swat the Fly

In her original format.  Betty Boop gets the number one spot for this cartoon being in the vintage format in black and white.  She was one of the only toons I watched as a kid that was in black and white and even without color, she still represented the sex appeal of the era.  In the words of Eddie Valiant from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit,"  "Yeah, you still got it, kid."

Betty Boop - Swat the Fly




          I hope that you've enjoyed these cartoons and if you have kids, I hope that maybe, they were with you when you watched these and got to see a piece of my childhood passed down to you and yours.  After all, aren't we simply here on earth to enjoy being alive and to pass on some of that joy if we can.  I only hope that these cartoons have given you as much joy as they gave me and if not, well, I've done my duty and it's been passed on the best way I know how.

Marketing and Capitalism in America

The american interpretation of marketing and capitalism, the way I've observed it dictated to me:

Marketing is about a lot more than just being able to sell dog shit to damn near anybody; it's about more than making that dog shit seem like the crown jewels. Marketing is about having a consumer thank you for even having the opportunity to purchase your regal brand of dog shit. It's about that craze in the mind that makes decent, sane folks trample a mother and her two kids on black Friday for a toaster; but hey, that's just the nature of the beast because marketing is capitalisms fiber and if you have a better idea... Well fuck you... Communist...

The way I see commercials:

My get fit commercial:

"Do you want to lose that belly fat and look like a 21 year old again?  Well after millions of dollars worth of research and a few Swiss scientists walking away like bandits, we have discovered a miracle cure.  We call it: 'NBO' or 'Not being old'.  Research shows that if you're a 21 year old and still hideously ugly, unless you have a thyroid condition, the most minimal amount of exercise should be enough to get you into great shape but after a certain age, unless you're some body building machine of a human being or on a lot of drugs and/or surgery, we suggest you take care of yourself and accept what god gave you with some dignity.  We're sorry you're getting older but stuff happens as a result of that.  So if you want to look like a 21 year old at 60, stop, consider the beauty that you're still living when people just 100 years ago would already be dead and accept what great gifts you're giving.  For everyone else who can't accept that though, there's NBO.  Not Being Old is a product of the Johnson and Johnson family, all rights reserved."

The truth:

You tell me. I just hoped I made you laugh a little...

The birth of DOUCHE

When it comes to the ISIS terrorists, I would say anyone who wears an ISIS uniform needs a bullet to the head. That includes those little white girls from Denmark and the white, ex rock star hooker who left her two 14 year old sons. I would have no problem if everyone in the ISIS network were systematically exterminated like vermin.
Maybe that's their plan though: ISIS seems to be becoming the next level of hipster: "Hand in your fedora, fake glasses and ridiculous beard that makes you look like the Unabomber and we'll give you a flak jacket, a Kalashnikov and real bombs to play with. Hey! If you're careless and accidentally blow yourself up, great! That's actually the point."
It's like putting hand grenades in teddy bears and handing them out at Christmas. Everyone wants to be on board with defending the Muslim trend but when it comes down to it, they began as a bunch of insignificant Bedouin/Gypsies and sooner hopefully than later, people will see this desperate, 16 year old mindset, call for attention called ISIS and send them to their room where they can kill/ rape and demean each other's humanity in peace. Yes: there is a bomb in this great new trendy ISIS toy.
I'll just be happy when the Muslim faith goes back to being like Brooklyn Jews: the only thing that's loud about them is their outfits but hey, I'll be glad when the Christians do the same. The point is to believe in something higher than one's self and to deny the urge to indulge in hedonistic practices that lead to nowhere and help no one.

It's like: congratulations, Jesus saved you but that doesn't mean that a girl's dream of owning a doughnut shop based on pinups means she screws the devil on weekends or that NPH getting married means that he is secretly in the Hitler fan club. His haircut is evil but his sexuality has nothing to do with his love of the world or his fellow man. He loved one of his fellow men so much he married him, so he can't be all bad.
He's not the problem though: hedonism and extremism are and until we begin to focus on love, acceptance, understanding and human potential, we can only fight these pointless, coming of age, pseudo revolutions that get more dangerous all the time.
I propose this: instead of being called ISIS or feminism or Conservatism or the tea party, I say they all go under one super PAC called DOUCHE:

Domesticated
Ornery people
Urinating on the
Constitution while celebrating
Hedonism and
Extremism.

Be a man

I have often heard the phrase, "be a man!" thrown about like so much pocket change of wisdom to the angry young man.  From such a crude mouth of the average uneducated American, this usually means to take control of one's life but from an evolutionary standpoint, which is the only way I can view gender confusion scientifically and therefore accurately, being a man means hunting or at the very least engaging in the basest of instinctual triggers to take from the world around you without remorse.

As humans have evolved women started with a better base for the world today.  Men, because of our natural muscular build and social dynamic pre-women's rights movement, were made as hunter-gathers while women were made to tend the home.  This gives women the upper hand in world based on democracy, order and concise thought.  Men on the other hand, were made for instinct.  That's all that matters when one is staring at a mammoth with a spear and no armor.

The point I'm trying to make is what is being a man?  Are we really that far from those base instincts?  The most powerful men in the world have love children, engage in ludicrous sexual behavior, step on others to achieve financial dominance, regard dominance over diplomacy any day.  Americans like to believe that we try every diplomatic solution before we take hostile action but the truth is, we still take hostile action.  Let's just look at a conflict like the Middle East for popular reference.  We have a surplus of oil here in the United States.  We still have oil wells that would be able to supply us here but that doesn't matter because there are people that want to kill us there. So we have to go in and get them.

Where does the money come from in Arabic countries?  Do they make textiles for us or have the natural resources to do so?  Much of our clothing is made in China; our vegetables and fruits come from South America and Europe as well as from right here in the USA.  Our weapons both big and small are European, Russian and good old American born.  Our drugs are South American and to a smaller degree Asian and even our cars are Asian, European and American.  So with all our stuff coming from anywhere but the Middle East, why do we need them?

Is it because we need to protect Israel?  Well they fought a war in 6 days and won, so I think with us sending them money like we do, they'll be just fine.  I think it's because diplomacy isn't the issue.  The issue is that they defy us.  They want to think that their dick is bigger and we can't allow that.  The Cold War from 1939 to 1989 was the longest dick measuring contest in history besides the hundred years war which sought to control the throne of France.  To this day, the queens and kings of England refer to themselves in one of their titles as the kings and queens of France.  So obviously the dick measuring didn't end with 100 years.

The queen of England aside, since her natural authority compels her to at least act like a man, the point is that I believe inherently, "being a man" is about the natural urge to hunt and kill.  Some of us are better at hiding it and those who are may be the ones who end up with all the power because of their superficial diplomacy but even though some can't control it and become serial killers, some just indulge in different ways.  Poe wrote his death song into his stories, The writers of the the television show, "The Following" would later use that natural urge to hunt to translate Poe's urge to hunt into a television show.  Some men have gratuitous amounts of sex (this is where references to women as 'vixens' 'foxes' 'chicks' comes from because you wouldn't want to hunt a masculine animal like a dog or the commonly misunderstood (as it is one of the most vicious creatures on the planet) hippo).  The conquest of a woman is seen as an art form and the most dangerous game is man kind so I believe a woman fits into that dangerous hunt.

For all the evolving we've done as a species, it would seem as though we'll never get to the next level unless women take over in matters of diplomacy.  Women are far fiercer when they need to be and have adopted the manly qualities of fighting and hunting as it was needed to evolve so I'm not so sure even that would be a good idea but it's better than a man whose urge to hunt is inherent.  Maybe women will be able to choose to act on said urges because whether we want to admit it or not, "to be a man means to strive to be the best hunter with the littlest thought, the biggest gall and the greatest physical instinct."