The State V. Webster

In a stunning turn of events after a recent law suit against dictionary giant Marion-Webster, over terms in their dictionary not being "real-words", we at The Regular Review, have learned that a new hyphenated term will be added to the dictionary.  Spokesperson, Avharadg Jo announced at a press conference that in the 2015 edition of Marion-Webster's dictionary, the word, "Defense-Attorney" will hence forth be defined as, "A glorified and higher paid hooker."

This decision came after a settlement  between Webster's council, Berg, Stein and Mann and the prosecution for the state, of 8 million dollars to the plaintiff.  This just in, the word prosecutor will now be added as a synonym to the word "Ass-hat" which is defined as, "a person whose presence so offends that merely being around them gleans the experience of wearing one's anus atop their head."

All of this will no doubt breed new lawsuits but in this reporter's opinion, these turn of events are possibly the most hilarious moment in U.S. Legal history.

odd quote of the day

"pornography is kind of like Starbucks: They can add music, they can add cute girls making funny noises, but in the end, you're simply there to get a quick pick-me-up before you sojourn, as fast as you can, to any place in the world that's not there."

Today in Anatomy, I...

Professor:

Can anyone tell me what the heaviest part of the body is? 

Boy in the front row: 

My cock!

 

Professor: 

Haha, but no. Even fully engorged with blood, the penis is far from the heaviest part of the body.

 

Girl in the front row: 

Tell that to my innards that got scrambled the other night...

 

Professor: 

Contrary to all your humorous anecdotes, children, the heaviest part of the body is the human skull. Our entire bodies were built specifically to hold the skull up right. 

Boy in front row: 

Are you calling me a fat head? 

Professor: 

No son, I wouldn't give you that much credit. The skull being as heavy as it is, is the reason that it is so magnificent when babies are able to lift their heads up as new borns. 

Girl in the back row: 

Professor, you're wrong. This head... 

*points to her own head* 

...is not the heaviest part of my body. 

Professor: Oh no? Then you tell me the heaviest part of your body... 

Girl in the back row: 

*standing up and pointing to the boy in the front row* 

*girl is visibly pregnant* 

...along with his heavy cock... 

*pointing to her stomach* 

...this heavy body is...

News Flash!

After an incident at a local music festival in Colorado, where residents began a bible study in the middle of a pot circle, the people of Denver have begun what they're calling the great high-gration. As recently as today, the passport offices have been over run by bleary eyed individuals hoping to get a passport to immigrate to Iraq as quickly as possible.

One of those individuals agreed to talk to us, "you know... it's like amazing how those bible dudes see things exactly the way we do today. Grass has been around for a long time, dude and I reading the bible... when my friend told me they do the same thing today... well, they just get it ya know?" Overhearing this, another turned quickly in line and began to comment, "you heard it too, huh? Yeah man! It's true! Everybody over there gets stoned. I heard they were dragging men, women and even children out into the streets to get stoned. It's out in the open over there man... like fuck Colorado, man, that place must be beautiful with all the fumes!" Said the second person. "No doubt, brah," said the first.

There you have it, I'm Dylan Paul for The Regular Review, signing off.

Political Debate.

So, while scanning the novel of human tragedy we call Facebook tonight, I happened upon a buddy of mine from college who had posted an article about the latest poor sap our overzealous law men decided to shuffle from the moral coil. Of course, his conversation included the usual suspects: The political advocate, the woman, the privileged white guy who pulls the race card to overcompensate, the "normal" person, the black guy who knows he's black and is being judged unfairly and probably secretly wishes all these upper class white people who don't know what they hell they're talking about would just shut the hell up. the practical thinker and then me: The voice of Binky. Naturally, I had to interject. The following is my rant that was side-less because as is the law of comedy: all people must be equally hated for the world to go round...

This argument and the situation in America is why I am against the police state. England has bobbies. Freakin' Bobbies, people! Nobody is afraid of a guy named Bobby. Bobby comes up and you want to give him a big hug. "I'm sorry I sold those single cigarettes, Bobby. I won't worry anymore and just be happy. In fact, I think I'm going to go off and adopt three orphan children, while giving blankets to homeless people and get a small grill where I can teach them all to make chimichangas." The world is better with Bobby.

Now you get a Mike or a Steve in there. Well now here comes Big Mike to kick your ass and choke you till you die! That's his whole name too: Mike, mother effing Big. Big Mike is the type of person who should never be a police officer. Oh he can have a gun as long as he lives in the hills of some American forest so far away from civilization that he things 4Ging is what you do when you blacksmith.

The problem is that the police are an outdated idea and they're up for kicking butt to prove their relevance. I've heard people say, "well they're just angry that their job is a crap job with crap pay." That's crap. They're just policing in the wrong end of the world. If your a cop in NJ the average police salary for you is $80,100.00 / year. (http://policelink.monster.com/benefits/articles/147500-10-highest-paying-states-for-law-enforcement-2011-edition?page=2) With that kind of cash, you're making more than an EMT makes and those people literally save lives. Not only that but when that cop retires, he's got a pension bigger than Mike. If he wasn't spending all his time at the Casinos in PA, he'd have no money problems ever.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't advocate for any side. I think people are failures as a species and race doesn't even enter into that equation but since we were making loud noises and being serious, I had to interject a laugh for perspective. Our society is old and tired and I think we proved it with Obama. People were all so sure that radical change was just what this country needed! "We finally have a black president! Now things are going to turn around!" Well guess what? Just like I said, a moron is a moron no matter what color he or even she is.

In this rant where I am trying desperately to offend everyone because people these days have skin so thin that they might as well be the ghouls of horror stories/ Hollywood (the two are interchangeable) I have failed to mention women. Ladies, I'm sorry but you're not smarter or better than men. We're not smarter or better than you either. We all the universal opportunity to fuck up! It's great because voting is the biggest evidence for it.

At the end of the 90's we had a surplus and then we voted for two idiots (TWICE EACH! I might add) and now we're so far in debt even the Chinese are going, "Man, I'm glad I'm not on THAT sinking ship." You know my dad used to tell me that a rising tide raises all ships and let's hope that's true because it's going to take a tidal wave to float this boat we call Planet Earth!

Thank you all, you're amazing. I'm Dylan Paul and you all have a great night!