The New Fountain of Youth- AstroFit by Dylan Paul

Thursday August 23rd 2007:
Today at a meeting of the Trenton Rotary Club, an interesting guest speaker came to the podium.
Sam Bayer, in his late 80's, came up to the podium to talk about a program, supposedly reversing the aging process, called astrofit. This new type of thinking was originally developed for the astronauts to be used to stop "accelerated aging" in space. The idea is this: When in space, aging accelerates, causing bone density loss, crippling muscular defects and even a loss of balance, as a side effect of prolonged weightlessness. To counteract this aging process, astronauts must utilize both a healthy eating style and a balanced amount of excercise so as not to exert too much stress on their bodies.
To this writers understanding, as the speaker spoke mostly in parables and forceful words telling us to, "get up and do!" The Astro-fit program can be applied to earthlings as well as spacelings because of our sedentary lifestyles that we lead, in front of our televisions and at our desk jobs on the 20th floor offices. Most of our lives are spent sitting. Not to say that excesive excersize is any better for you but the idea is that not using your muscles makes them break down.
The author of the book on Astrofit is Dr. William J. Evans of the NASA space program. His idea is to raise and lower weights slowly to build and retain more muscle. Since many people can burn fat through excersize, they think that losing fat is all they need but in truth, it was said today that 1 pound of muscle can burn up to 500 calories whereas 1 pound of fat can only burn 100.
In the crowded room of upstanding Rotarians, I heard many of them laugh and almost scoff at the fact that they were being told that they were not fit enough. One Rotarian in the corner even had another Rotarian sign something in the middle of this man's speach but as I looked at this man and realized he was grossly overweight, I figured he probably hasn't listened to any physical therapists in the last 20 years.
The speaker talked about his program like this: many people say, "I'm going to do this" or "I'm going to do that" he said it is time we get up off our couches and start doing.
To learn more about the Astrofit program, please visit http://www.enotalone.com/article/5706.html for details. The Trenton Rotary can be reached by going to http://www.trentonrotary.org/. Guest speakers are always needed and contact information is provided on their cite under the contact us button.

Blue Sky Complex - Alex Sisko

I choke on the scent of herbs Beneath the blue god of death Oh blue sky, a carefree fruitless flower blooming out of season Feel like a suicide, my sex appeal must dissolve and flow away, the same as everyone's Everything is colored in pastels Colorblind chocolate Oh blue sky, it's just a sunshine junkie. Ah, shut up, ge'out my way sun shiney nightmares I ask people how they're doing while looking at my watch, all day long Until I can become a sea urchin in my mind, I'll be dried up, prone to falling down; I'll wait for the night's curtain Oh blue sky, this is the last goodbye; show my face well Oh suicide, sometimes you rise in the west and set in the east, make me laugh Runnin' through,u nder the sun. Runnin' with the moonlight shinin' Ride' on the wind, Com'n get me babe. Runnin' through, under the sun. Runnin' with the moonlight shinin' Ride' on the wind, Com'n take me to nightmare. I wanna make love with moonlight, Bask me dark and vice. I find out something new life, Don't wanna let me go. Wanna make love with moonlight, Please take me to the darkness. Wanna make love with moonshine. Please take me deep & deep. Runnin' through, under the sun. Runnin' with the moonlight shinin' Ride' on the wind, Com'n get me babe. Runnin' through, under the sun. Runnin' with the moonlight shinin' Ride' on the wind, Com'n take me to nightmare. Runnin' through, under the sun. Runnin' with the moonlight shinin' Ride' on the wind, Com'n get me babe.

Child Raping Officer- Rebeka O'Mally

CAMDEN, NJ- There is an event that has come to light is truly horrifying. "I just can't believe this happened!" cried Barbara Smurth, mother of seven children. Smurth was absolutely appalled to find that her three young daughters, known on the streets as "Candy," age 8, "Bianca" and "Sasha," twins age 9, were all arrested 9:00 pm on August 18, 2007 for prostitution and sexual assault on an officer on Promenade boulevard in Camden, New Jersey.

The arresting officer, Wayne Cremmel, states "At first I just thought they were runaways, and thought it was would be a simple drop off with a scolding about the dangers of being on the roads that late at night." Little did Cremmel know, he was about to be sexually propositioned by these three preteens. "I got out the the vehicle to speak with them... before I knew it, there were little hands everywhere. I've never been so horrified." At this point, Cremmel broke into sobs and had difficulty continuing with the interview.

"He has a daughter around their age" his captain explained. According to his wife, Cremmel hasn't been able to go within twenty feet of any preteen girls without having a nervous break-down. It's so extreme that Cremmel has taken a leave of absence and gone to undisclosed location for psychological help. The exact events of that fateful evening are still up for debate, as are the motives of the young girls. This reporter will not rest until the truth is known, and there will be updates to follow.

By Rebeka O'Mally

Barbeque in Maine- Dylan Paul

August 21st: Town officials said that late last night, the men from outerspace returned to their home planet and though noone actually saw the departure, all were saddened by the sudden disappearance of such cute little space men. In other news, the mayor has created a barbeque this morning of a strange new blue furry chicken and this reporter will be the first to say, it is delicious!

LITTLE GIRL REUNITED- Dylan Paul

Monday August 20th: A little girl was reunited with her small blue hairy friend from outerspace. The mayor and county officials of this quiet town in Maine said, "when the space ship came down, it was so cute, the little men were so excited to see their friend (and local Abbagail Goldberg) that they couldn't stop hugging her." The mood in the town is joyous and can not be explained in worldly terms. The space men, reportedly from the planet Ozgoth 4 which is a mooon on the twelth planet in the galaxy M-13, said in a heart-warming voice, "Nelpooth vermalax, Iksto vermalax Arbin Galdi neplooth!" This reporter couldn't agree more and in the words of our fuzzy friends, "Ak goth veremulai."

NEWS FLASH- Dylan Paul

NEWS FLASH: Early this morning, at the first national bank of Maryland, a shocking display or animal violence has many unsettled. A group of trained chimpanzees entered the bank, and proceeded to Hold the teller at gun and rob an estimated 3 million from the vault. Two civilians and a security guard were gunned down in the chaos. Two more were critically injured and are currently in intensive care. The primates, notoriously known as Bobo, Fifi and Mr. Chuckles, have previously robbed three banks in the last 5 months armed with AK-47's, weapons believed to have been purchased in the Louisiana city of New Orleans. They are expected to be armed and extremely dangerous.

Written by Dylan Paul
Edited by Rebeka O'Mally

This just in: The gang has now holed themselves up in a local refinery in Baltimore city and gunfire has ensued.

Sexual Desire

Wouldn't it be awesome if sex didn't exist.

We as people were meant to form valuable relationships, the best feeling in the world is cuddling, but there's always a little demon in our heads that protests and says, "You're not allowed to

be amongst the company of the opposite sex without wanting something intimate."

I make it my personal responsibility to try to eliminate sexual desire in my body altogether because it sucks big, fat, hairy Frrrrrrrruckin' balls. It sucks because the feelings we could get without sexual desire and the progress humanity could make with a simpler form of procreation would be so much more efficient.

Sex is inefficient and irrelevant and therefore futile as well. We must eliminate this and there will be no more fighting or wars and/or wars will become also irrelevant because an all volunteer force fighting to be a "Boy in uniform" or even "powerful woman" will be negated. There is no need to prove power in a woman if she has no value to a boy except for his caring and if a boy

does not care about sex, he persues only a goal and though he may persue love, he becomes like Romeo.

Romeo and Juliet would have never existed without sexual desire because if you read the play, Romeo pursued a girl before Juliet but ended up not going for her because she didn't put out. Read between the lines but any professor will tell you that's why he broke up with his girl before Juliet.

Sex is not life but for those who cannot control the urge, kill it.