What is love?

For the majority of my life, I have had the brain power, physical prowess and charisma to do great things but I have also found myself in most cases being the outsider looking in.

I've had many friends come and go and many good friends stick by me but never have I felt a kinship to the goals and aspirations everybody so adamantly chases.

Some chase sex and that's fine for them. I've probably done a bit of that in my day as well but it gets boring. The point is that this drive alone without the eccentricities of loving the person you're "doing it" with is easy. To get sex, you must have something else going on in your life and you also have to have almost an apathy towards love because love isn't necessarily sexy. Confidence is sexy and because of the apathy towards needing the attention of another human being in a real committed way, confidence comes easy to those who seek sex and nothing else. They may find themselves enamored at some point but for a long time, they can get away with a disconnectedness and self interest.

Some desire success and that's fine for them. They chase the goal of what they believe to be success in familiar things: A car, a house, maybe kids and a wife (although these are not necessarily their goals). These are the people who if they have their big screen TV and a modicum of interaction with the outside world, they are happy. They drown themselves in work related purposes and become enormously successful and some of them are very happy with this but me, I find it empty.

Some people are those who are just trying to get by and that's fine for them. These are the type of people that you ask them a question like, "What have you been up to lately?" and they say, "Work and home, man. Just living." There's nothing wrong with this. These people function perfectly in a society and I have often desired to be one with one major addendum, the presence of all encompassing, committed, and evolving love.

Being an outsider, I have watched people and partied with them and seen their interactions with each other and for a long time, I was ok with just being alone and by myself but I came to realize that as much as I was ok by myself and ok with allowing my partner space and time, I wanted to feel a sense of growth in a relationship really badly. I also wanted the attention and closeness at least once a night. As if even though the whole world was screwed up and pissed us both off equally, we'd at least have each other to come home to and say, wow was today f***** up.

Some people do a fine job of dealing with this process on their own but then the question comes up, what do they need other people for at all? I think the answer is simple: sex and love. They may not need it as much but they still need it.

What is love then? Those moments when he remembers to lock the door; when she needs a hug and he's physically there to give it to her; when he does all the household chores because he had nothing better to do; when she's had a hard day and wants to be left alone and he watches TV in the other room.

Love is an understanding between two people that they will feel that way no matter what. That distance, time, situations cannot diminish the feelings that two people have for each other. Love is an understanding that when somebody says they need something the other person complies without question.

Come to think of it, I have been a bad lover because I have been so messed up over my own loneliness that I have forgotten what it means to truly love another person. At this point, I hope it's not too late to turn that around but I can be a good lover and a good person, if I try.