Comedians = Essayists??

Back in school, teachers make kids write hundreds of essays every year and the smarter kids say, "It’s not that we don't want to write an essay, but that we're trying to save the Rain Forests and writing essays wastes too much paper." It's the common response of a teenager, the excuse. Most kids and adults for that matter would rather be out destroying their brain in some fashion then using it to write some vapid essay.

When we observe life, however, no matter how much you hate the organization and form of the common essay, it is just as omnipresent as god. When you're in a business, you use it to write reports; when you're the entrepreneur; you use it to write business plans; when you are the scientist, reports; the janitor, perhaps a resume. The point is: we all use the essay, no matter who we are. The specific example of this article is one that no one expects to see a good essayist partake in: comedy.

Any good comedian boasts their laziness and after watching Comedy Central stand up for the entirety of a day, you will not find any comedian who says, "I wake up every day and say, gee golly what an organized person I am!" It doesn't happen because that's not funny. In most cases that's probably the thing people are trying to escape from by watching Comedy Central but comedians do use the essay form and to be a great comedian one must see that there is structure and form to making people laugh.

Out of the 600 channels you get at home, you can watch their style and it is very obvious with some, such as new comers on "Comedy Central Presents..." and incredibly hidden with others, such as the talented veteran, Robyn Williams. Even satellite radio has realized the need for comedy in this country and put them in their arsenal as well.

The point of mentioning all these different places is that they all tend to vary in their comedic style but they all have one commonality amongst them: they all run their act in an essay form.

The essay of the comedian revolves around the punch line and that punch line becomes our thesis. Before the punch line however, you must have an introduction so a introduction with a punch line thesis might look like this:

(A very tired looking man walks out on stage and sits down in a chair)
Comedian:
You ever been to your grandparents house (pauses, looks down and holds fist in front of his mouth as he coughs out) After they've gotten really old? Well I live in a very Italian family so I got an angry granny who doesn't know my name and when my cat died, I told her first and she says, "fugghet about it."

This is the introduction and punch line but to make it an "act" we have to use that punch line again, so you have a second bit that goes on for a while about something completely different and then ends with a joke about "fugghet about it." If it went on a tangent about sports, it could end with this line:

So, you seen the Mets’ pitching this year? (Pauses and smiles at the audience with pride) it's awful! What are you clapping about? You think they'll make it to the Pennant? Maybe? Huh, huh, huh? If only the Mets could win the Pennant, I could get my daddy back! And there'll be Angels in the outfield and we can all have Danny Glover be our best friend! (Quick pause for laughter then with vicious sarcasm through a smile: "Fugghet about it."

They can have as many topics as they want mixed in there, some with, and some without the punch line incorporated but most of the time, a comedian will leave with his punch line, taking his audience for one final ride. There's never any explanation afterwards, just a sharp ending that keeps them in shock, a little like this:

So the other day I go walking down the streets of New York and I see this big burly guy walking toward me looking like Tony Soprano; he's probably got a gun somewhere in his pants because I know my kind and that guy may be lucky but he's no Peter North. He comes up to me and I say, "Are you selling flowers sir?" (Leans into the mic and cups it and says in a deep, mafia voice) "Fugghet about it."

The unintentional superhero and me, world renown shapeshifters By: Dylan Paul

He smokes a cigarette outside on his stoop and looks off into the night.

"You know what I think?" He says, "I think everybody in this entire world, should live life like an RPG (Role Playing Game)."

In the fixed mind of my superhero, he sees himself as the rogue and I can see it too. In his dreams I imagine him running up to some horrible monster and spilling its guts out with an eviserate attack, his shimmering daggers stained with the purple monster goo of freedom.

I call him the unintentional hero because sometimes, I think he can also see himself is such a quest. His stealthy gear making him look like the buccaneer from hell.

Lately, I grow more concerned because time seems to weigh heavy on our lives with the continually moving battle of age and as I look at my superhero, he seems to be never discouraged or crestfallen or worried about such things as time or money or adventure because all the adventure he needs is right within his own skull and crossbones.

Our adventures have been diverse from fighting on the fields of battle where two towns made of sticks and twine destroyed each other, to the ocean depths in a pool out back to a time when sea foxes ruled the sea and played happilly with each other as otters. Once we were racoons, another time, elves; we even managed to fly to Hollywood, in one night, and visit both Tim Burton and Stephen Spielberg and see their magnificent theme park houses and be back before first dawn. More recently though, the battles have grown bigger and more real but the war is being won.

As he sits there on his stoop and takes the last puff of his cigarette, I am reminded of how we indeed have lived our lives as an RPG. However, in my mind, we are far more than rogues or magicians (in the making of our lives there are things that seemed magical) but rather a new class, something that changes day by day, we are the shapeshifters, unintentional heroes fighting in a world that most people may never get to see. Our exploits are diverse and publish more stories than one reporter can tell in a day, or a short collumn for that matter, but as he puts out his cigarrette and says, "peace dude, I'll see you tomorrow," I can see the rogues cloak as he shuts the door; the sea fox tail wiggle as he walks away; the unintentional superhero who could exist in any person but one rose to meet the chalange. I see my best friend and someone who I can call brother walking away to fight the good fight. In reality, I hope he wins as much as the superhero that I know him to be.

Owen Wilson..

On Sunday, Owen Wilson [[Kate Hudson's ex]] was rushed to Los Angeles’ St. John’s Hospital by ambulance, for attempted suicide. Wilson was found [[with both wrists slit, and an empty pill bottle beside him]] by a family member, who obviously, immediately called an ambulance. After Wilson was stabilized, Owen was taken to another Los Angeles' Hospital, with his two brothers Andrew and Luke.

In other not so good news, Nick Hogan got into a serious car accident, also on Sunday. Hogan's car was totally destroyed on impact. He had been driving way over the speed limit, and had crashed into a palm tree. A Clearwater police Sgt. had been doing his routine shift, when he noticed Hogan's yellow SUV, and called for help. Both of the passenger's where okay, Nick Hogan and his other male passenger, luckily.

Doesn't seem like Sunday was a good day for Hollyweird. :[

Remember Andy Dick?

Well, anyone who was at Axis nightclub last night sure does. After a failed comedic performance, Dick proceeded to get f*cked up. Later on into the night, after having a few to many, Andy followed a young clubber into the bathroom and persistently asked if he could piss on him. After about 30 seconds of begging Andy went on to find another victim. Shockingly, not every one rejected Mr. Dick, [[even though Andy's "dick" isn't said to be to impressive.]]. According to witnesses, Andy shared a romantic evening with a young fellow in the men's room, only to move on to other men through out the club. To top his night of partying, he allegedly asked anyone and everyone where he could find cocaine. By the end of the night, Mr. Dick had to be carried out of the club.

Anyone interested in contacting Mr. Andy Dick should go there nearest gay club, with at least 3 grams of cocaine, a barf bag, and a appointment ready with your local clinic.




Oh, and a quick tip in the latest Hollyweird fashion! An Alcohol Monitoring System! The latest celebrity to pick up on this hot new trend, is Eve. She rocked her A.M.S. at the L.A. Convention Center during her performance for Boost Mobile. And have no fear, do you think these A.M.S.'s actually work!? Don't be silly! If you don't recall Ms. Lindsay Lohan was wearing one right before she got pulled over for her D.U.I.. With this new Hollyweird trend, you can make everyone think your really changing your life around, so you can party with out all the bullshit of people trying to get you clean!

Dear Future Rabbi

Angry Abby of Pennsylvania writes,

Dear Future Rabbi,

I have a boyfriend who lives in New Jersey and we don't get to see each other very often but he says he's stopped believing in god. He says that every time he prays to god, his only answer is tears and hardship. What can I tell him to bring him back?

To contact The Future Rabbi, please e-mail drizzt486@aol.com.

Angry in Pennsylvania writes:

I have a boy I'm in love with but he and I live far away. He says he does not believe in a god anymore because every time he prays to god, his only answer is more hardship. I want to tell him how to pray but I don't understand how to. I also want to tell him that god does not always grant your wishes upon request but will be there when you need him, do you know of any examples in the Jewish history, that I could use to make him feel a bit closer to god?

Dear Future Rabbi

Confused in Titusville NJ writes:

Dear Future Rabbi Gupe,

my parents tell me that accepting Christ into my life is the only way to get into heaven. I am heavilly into Jewish values and love to go with my friend to pray in a synagogue but don't really know what it means to be Jewish and don't know what the difference is between christianity and Judaism.

To contact The Future Rabbi, please e-mail drizzt486@aol.com.

Today's Weather by David G.

Today's weather here in Cherry Hill, N.J. sucks.
Its just awful.
I hate it.
It hurts my soul.

Our Favorite Skeleton By Jody Febinger

Nicole Richie, was sentenced to a whopping four days in prison for her recent D.U.I. arrest. I believe this is the second in 4 years, but don't quote me, this reporter isn't to sure. :P Pregnat Richie turned herself in, to only be released from prison 82 minutes later. [Due to overcrowding] I'm sure this is a very hard time in her life, being pregnat, and in prison.. for 82 minutes. God Bless America~

In other jail bird news, Ms. Lindsay Lohan has pleaded guilty to nine misdemeanor charges, which include 2 D.U.I.'s. Ms. Blowhan's over payed lawyer was able to pay off, I mean make a deal with the L.A. District Attorney. Like Nicole Richie, Fire Crotch will have to spend, atleast 4 days, aka 82 minutes in prison. But L.Lo will also have to serve 36 months probation and attend an alchohol education program for 18 months, for her first D.U.I. charge. As for the other D.U.I. charge she has been ordered to spend 48 hours in prison, which in HollyWeird time, is only around 5 minutes. Of course the time she has spent in the holding cell, will be included in the over all 48 hours she has to serve. And to top it all off, the icing on the cake, she will also have to perform 10 days of community service. If she's lucky, she can pull a Naomi Cambell and make all of this a big publicity stunt, and learn nothing.

EXCLUSIVE. by Jody Febinger

Yes, I'm sure you've heard, the lovely Fidel Castro has passed. South Florida police organizations are actually calling in reinforcements before the official announcement is made.

Remember, you heard it here first, at the DailyStarr.

Stricter punishment for Nowak By Dylan Paul

Friday, August 24th:

Former astronaut Lisa Nowak asked a judge in Orlando Florida to be allowed to remove her ankle bracelet. Nowak, charged with attacking a woman with pepper spray and hopping into another woman, Capt. Colleen Shippman's car with a duffel bag holding a steel mallet, 4-inch knife and a BB gun.

Just out of curiosity, how many of you go for road trips in someone's car, uninvited, with such a party bag? For those of you who are sane, answering this question, I'm sure you can agree, this woman is out of her freakin' skull.

Nowak also happens to be charged with such minor offences, which of course she pleads not guilty to, of attempted kidnapping, battery and burglary with assault. Lovely woman, don't you think? Now, this reporter wouldn't want to be rude to such a saint, but come on!

Nowak says she can't wear the ankle bracelet because it cuts her feet when she tries to lace up her shoes. Aww poor baby, maybe know you'll know what you wanted to do to captain Shippman, feels like.

My favorite thing about the law comes into play here as well. Our legal system gives the right of Nowak's attorney Donald Lykkebak, to ask the court to "throw out" evidence from an interview Nowak gave to police and items found during a search of her car. Welcome to America where we can forget the truth if the truth is "inadmissible" in court. God bless our legal system, its next target is you! Nowak was reported to have stated to police that she just wanted to know, "where she stands." Me too, but loves not worth it when you have to go after it with a steel mallet, a bb gun, a 4 inch knife and pepper spray. Love hurts baby, no need to get arrested over it.

According to Detective William Becton, Nowak played a chess game with him bargaining information for things she wanted. Every cop's worst nightmare as Becton put it, "somebody smarter than me." Poor girl was deprived of sleep and a phone call after assault and battery. Not to mention messing with the cops, which, though it is not hard to do, won't get you very far if they know a very simple thing that even a cop can tell, you're a violent criminal. It's their only freaking job, come on!

Nowak's lawyer says, "She was under duress." I'll address this issue your honor, "how the heck to you think the girl who just got sprayed with pepper spray feels? To press on in the mind of a psycho-path, the woman wore diapers on the kidnapping car ride to limit stops so she wouldn't have to go to the bathroom.

Folks, it's at this point that I have to end this article and put it to you because it only gets worse, would you want this woman not wearing an ankle bracelet if you were Colleen Shippman?

In this reporter's opinion, an ankle bracelet is getting off light for this woman.

Tupac died

Yes, it's true, he's dead. No, Machiaveli is not some rapper's trick to tell you that he's really alive: THAT CRAZY MOTHA'S DEAD! D. E. D Dead. He's not even a celebrity anymore because he's doing his star power thing six feet under the ground... sorry I thought it needed saying for all you hopefuls.

The New Fountain of Youth- AstroFit by Dylan Paul

Thursday August 23rd 2007:
Today at a meeting of the Trenton Rotary Club, an interesting guest speaker came to the podium.
Sam Bayer, in his late 80's, came up to the podium to talk about a program, supposedly reversing the aging process, called astrofit. This new type of thinking was originally developed for the astronauts to be used to stop "accelerated aging" in space. The idea is this: When in space, aging accelerates, causing bone density loss, crippling muscular defects and even a loss of balance, as a side effect of prolonged weightlessness. To counteract this aging process, astronauts must utilize both a healthy eating style and a balanced amount of excercise so as not to exert too much stress on their bodies.
To this writers understanding, as the speaker spoke mostly in parables and forceful words telling us to, "get up and do!" The Astro-fit program can be applied to earthlings as well as spacelings because of our sedentary lifestyles that we lead, in front of our televisions and at our desk jobs on the 20th floor offices. Most of our lives are spent sitting. Not to say that excesive excersize is any better for you but the idea is that not using your muscles makes them break down.
The author of the book on Astrofit is Dr. William J. Evans of the NASA space program. His idea is to raise and lower weights slowly to build and retain more muscle. Since many people can burn fat through excersize, they think that losing fat is all they need but in truth, it was said today that 1 pound of muscle can burn up to 500 calories whereas 1 pound of fat can only burn 100.
In the crowded room of upstanding Rotarians, I heard many of them laugh and almost scoff at the fact that they were being told that they were not fit enough. One Rotarian in the corner even had another Rotarian sign something in the middle of this man's speach but as I looked at this man and realized he was grossly overweight, I figured he probably hasn't listened to any physical therapists in the last 20 years.
The speaker talked about his program like this: many people say, "I'm going to do this" or "I'm going to do that" he said it is time we get up off our couches and start doing.
To learn more about the Astrofit program, please visit http://www.enotalone.com/article/5706.html for details. The Trenton Rotary can be reached by going to http://www.trentonrotary.org/. Guest speakers are always needed and contact information is provided on their cite under the contact us button.

Blue Sky Complex - Alex Sisko

I choke on the scent of herbs Beneath the blue god of death Oh blue sky, a carefree fruitless flower blooming out of season Feel like a suicide, my sex appeal must dissolve and flow away, the same as everyone's Everything is colored in pastels Colorblind chocolate Oh blue sky, it's just a sunshine junkie. Ah, shut up, ge'out my way sun shiney nightmares I ask people how they're doing while looking at my watch, all day long Until I can become a sea urchin in my mind, I'll be dried up, prone to falling down; I'll wait for the night's curtain Oh blue sky, this is the last goodbye; show my face well Oh suicide, sometimes you rise in the west and set in the east, make me laugh Runnin' through,u nder the sun. Runnin' with the moonlight shinin' Ride' on the wind, Com'n get me babe. Runnin' through, under the sun. Runnin' with the moonlight shinin' Ride' on the wind, Com'n take me to nightmare. I wanna make love with moonlight, Bask me dark and vice. I find out something new life, Don't wanna let me go. Wanna make love with moonlight, Please take me to the darkness. Wanna make love with moonshine. Please take me deep & deep. Runnin' through, under the sun. Runnin' with the moonlight shinin' Ride' on the wind, Com'n get me babe. Runnin' through, under the sun. Runnin' with the moonlight shinin' Ride' on the wind, Com'n take me to nightmare. Runnin' through, under the sun. Runnin' with the moonlight shinin' Ride' on the wind, Com'n get me babe.

Child Raping Officer- Rebeka O'Mally

CAMDEN, NJ- There is an event that has come to light is truly horrifying. "I just can't believe this happened!" cried Barbara Smurth, mother of seven children. Smurth was absolutely appalled to find that her three young daughters, known on the streets as "Candy," age 8, "Bianca" and "Sasha," twins age 9, were all arrested 9:00 pm on August 18, 2007 for prostitution and sexual assault on an officer on Promenade boulevard in Camden, New Jersey.

The arresting officer, Wayne Cremmel, states "At first I just thought they were runaways, and thought it was would be a simple drop off with a scolding about the dangers of being on the roads that late at night." Little did Cremmel know, he was about to be sexually propositioned by these three preteens. "I got out the the vehicle to speak with them... before I knew it, there were little hands everywhere. I've never been so horrified." At this point, Cremmel broke into sobs and had difficulty continuing with the interview.

"He has a daughter around their age" his captain explained. According to his wife, Cremmel hasn't been able to go within twenty feet of any preteen girls without having a nervous break-down. It's so extreme that Cremmel has taken a leave of absence and gone to undisclosed location for psychological help. The exact events of that fateful evening are still up for debate, as are the motives of the young girls. This reporter will not rest until the truth is known, and there will be updates to follow.

By Rebeka O'Mally

Barbeque in Maine- Dylan Paul

August 21st: Town officials said that late last night, the men from outerspace returned to their home planet and though noone actually saw the departure, all were saddened by the sudden disappearance of such cute little space men. In other news, the mayor has created a barbeque this morning of a strange new blue furry chicken and this reporter will be the first to say, it is delicious!

LITTLE GIRL REUNITED- Dylan Paul

Monday August 20th: A little girl was reunited with her small blue hairy friend from outerspace. The mayor and county officials of this quiet town in Maine said, "when the space ship came down, it was so cute, the little men were so excited to see their friend (and local Abbagail Goldberg) that they couldn't stop hugging her." The mood in the town is joyous and can not be explained in worldly terms. The space men, reportedly from the planet Ozgoth 4 which is a mooon on the twelth planet in the galaxy M-13, said in a heart-warming voice, "Nelpooth vermalax, Iksto vermalax Arbin Galdi neplooth!" This reporter couldn't agree more and in the words of our fuzzy friends, "Ak goth veremulai."

NEWS FLASH- Dylan Paul

NEWS FLASH: Early this morning, at the first national bank of Maryland, a shocking display or animal violence has many unsettled. A group of trained chimpanzees entered the bank, and proceeded to Hold the teller at gun and rob an estimated 3 million from the vault. Two civilians and a security guard were gunned down in the chaos. Two more were critically injured and are currently in intensive care. The primates, notoriously known as Bobo, Fifi and Mr. Chuckles, have previously robbed three banks in the last 5 months armed with AK-47's, weapons believed to have been purchased in the Louisiana city of New Orleans. They are expected to be armed and extremely dangerous.

Written by Dylan Paul
Edited by Rebeka O'Mally

This just in: The gang has now holed themselves up in a local refinery in Baltimore city and gunfire has ensued.